Lil man in a very excited voice:   Aun telly!!!.... mmooooooooonn

 

 

 

 

 

 

I've got skeletons in my closet and lately they are plaguing me.   In an attempt to get them out of my head, I think that I need to write these down.   I've been waking at night after living through this hell in my dreams over and over again.  Is there something I'm missing in these repeated dreams of hell?  

 

1988  12:10pm

After a  rough day at High School, I leave for my co op job at the local County Credit Union.   I get there 20 minutes before my scheduled start time, exhausted and hungry.  I am told by one of my older "motherly" co-workers that I could have the last 1/2 of the sandwich she was eating.  I devour it in two bites and drink lots of water to feel full.  I report to work to have my supervisor criticize the clothes I'm wearing.  "Why are you wearing that?  You are in a professional atmosphere and you need to appear that way."   She doesn't know or understand my situation.  I grab some "old" files and head to the basement to file, so that I can cry alone.   The entire time I am filing I'm crying constantly wiping away the tears.     After approx an hour I return to my desk and get to work trying hard to focus on the tasks in-front of me.  I get compliments from the Senior loan officer, on how nobody caught the mistakes that I caught and if they would have went through it could have cost the credit union well over $15,000 in a fraudulent loan.   I hold on to those words of praise and continue to work, proud of myself if just for a moment. 

5:15pm time to leave, I head to my car.  Ready to go to my other job.

 I arrive at the Large chain super store and run to the time clock as I can not be late.  I need this job!!   I work in the toy department of this giant store and that means lots of up and down.  I'm in a long skirt, with a sweater on.   I'm working hard, trying to get the aisles in order because obviously the shift prior was way to busy to pick any of the toys up off of the floor.   I get a 15 minute break, not long enough to even get to the back room so I work right through.  Wishing the clock would just move a bit faster. 

Finally the shift is over!   It's 12:00am and I'm tired.  I head to my car, pull underneath a parking lot street light so that I can do my homework for the next day of school.  

When the school work is done, I just want to sleep it's approx 1:30am and I'm barely able to see straight.  I drive 25 minutes to yet another large superstore parking lot.   Pull in find a parking spot that faces east and shut the car off, crack one window and put my seat back to sleep for the night.   Still in my skirt and sweater.  

 

I'm awaken by the sun.  I check the clock radio and I'm up before the household.  I wait another 15 minutes getting my clothes from the trunk ready.   I drive to the house a couple of blocks away.  I walk in as the front door is unlocked as always.   I hear the footsteps up stairs and know that they are going back to bed.   The kids aren't yet up for school, because it's too early for them.   I head to the downstairs shower with my clothes in hand.   I must walk through the kitchen I'm STARVING.   I quietly open the fridge, grab some cheese and some bread, open the gallon of milk and take a long drink, and put the milk back in the fridge, then I run to the bathroom like a thief.   I get in there and eat my cheese sandwich, get my shower change my clothes, and get ready to take on the day.   I head out the door feeling guilty about stealing the food.  Because I know they are in tough times as well and have their own kids to feed. 

 

I drive to school it takes longer than normal to get there.  I'm panicking.  Because my first hour teacher is a stickler for time.   I know he wont let me in the classroom if I'm late.  I get there with 3 minutes before the bell rings.   I run with all of my might to make it on time, just as he's shutting the door I'm squeezing in.   He looks at me angry. and shakes his head.  

Third hour teacher is a flake, nice but a flake none the less.   We just got done reading the grap*es of wr*ath and she's decided that we need to watch the movie now. 

The lights go off and my body is fighting to stay awake.  The fight is lost and I give in to the peaceful if yet short slumber.   The kid next to me wakes me up just before the lights come on.  I thank him. 

 

Today is a lucky day, I get lunch.  I'm excited for the warm meal.   While eating I try and do as much homework as I can, because I know it's going to be raining tonight and I wont have good light to read later.   Just then the principal is standing in front of me.   I can feel his stare.   And he tells me he needs to see me in his office.   My delicious warm meal is now making it's way back up to my throat.  I grab my books, throw the remainder of my lunch away and follow him to his office.   He shows me into his office, and I take a seat.   I'm terrified as to what he's going to say.  TERRIFIED!!!

He tells me that I'm living in the wrong area to be going to this school.  I should be going to the school that's closer the house where my address is.  It's in the same district and blah blah blah..... I start to cry.   Now I'm angry.    He has no idea what I do to get here and to complete my work, because I want to graduate next year.  I can't tell him either!   But what I do tell him is this, "hey isn't Mike K. the schools star football player?"  He says yes, and tries to go into how wonderful he is and this and that.   I cut him off, I stand so I feel strong, I look him in the eye and say he lives on MY street! The same street that you say is supposed to go to the other school.   So listen here, sir, if I have to leave I will take him with me!  I will fight you with whatever means I have to make sure if I can't go here, either can he!   And I don't understand why you are doing this!   I come to school, work my butt off to get good grades and I want to be here!  While you waste your time with me and all of this and you could go and talk to those hoodlums that smoke, do drugs and skip school and don't want to be here.  So it's your choice... me and the football star leave or you leave us both alone.    He looked shocked.  I asked if I could leave.  He said yes, you need to go to your next class.    I leave and head to the bathroom where I sob.  What if I have to leave?  I have no address to give this time.   I have no home.   I pray to please help me get through this and let me stay here and just finish school because life is going to be good once I'm done with school.    I splash some water on my face.   And walk to my next class.  

After a  rough day at High School, I leave for my co op job at the local County Credit Union.

 

FYI.... this all happened.  I'm just reliving it in my dreams and I don't know why.

 

OK so recently I've noticed on that statistics page that my views have increased like 10 fold.   HMmmmmm that's odd.    So guess what I figured out... if you type in to goo**gle (I've got to put stars and stuff because I'm afraid of it happening again?!)  v*a*cation descrip*tion (take out the stars of course) you get directed to one of my blogs titled just that!  Hmmm I don't want that.     So I've changed the title of the blog, and every time the v word is shown I changed it too.   But it still happens?!   Any suggestions how I can remove me from that goo**gle list?  Will it happen overnight or will it never go away?  Hmmmmm I think I need help here.  Any suggestions would be appreciated.   I remember seeing a spaces help on someones blog, I'll be keeping my eyes open for that link when I visit ya'll next time. 

But if you have any ideas, please advise. 

 

thanks!

ttfn